Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
