I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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