He asked me if I "almost moaned"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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