I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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