She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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