I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
