this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
