Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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