So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
