I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
