why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
