I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
