Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
