Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
