Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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