never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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