i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
