I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He kissed a someone with a penis
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I have aggressive nipples.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize