Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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