Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
