No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
