Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
