he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
