just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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