Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
