I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
