a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize