Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Never let your siblings swipe right.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
