I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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