if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
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