Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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