So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
