Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
