Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i've created a new STD.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize