Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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