the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
