I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
