I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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