I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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