I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
