Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
