You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
