Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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