Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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