I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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