Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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