my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
