My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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