Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
