sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
