In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize