one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
