i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
