either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
