he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
