I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
