I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
