I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Is Oprah even human
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
why is half of my head shaved?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
