Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
