New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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