I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
